The Fair Maiden's Closet

Once upon a time there was a fair maiden that had a condition known as hairspray headache. Her parents took her to doctor after doctor. Each doctor told them that the headaches were all caused by the same thing: Aqua Net hairspray overload. As it turned out the fair maiden spent hours doing her make-up and getting her 'wall-of-bangs' just right. The maiden would not dare to step out of her cottage without the right make-up, perfect clothes, and the stiffest hair in all the land, even if it took many hours and several cans of Aqua Net hairspray to get it just right. The maiden was content in the knowledge that this was the way her life would always be.

After she finished school she went to work for a local clothing merchant. A decade had passed. The 'wall of bangs' was now replaced with the 'Rachel look' from Friends. Aqua Net was replaced with higher end hairsprays and styling products. The maiden dressed even better than before. You see she got a kick-ass discount for new clothes from the merchant. The maiden had a new outfit for almost everyday of the week. Her headaches were a thing of the past because she no longer took hours to get ready in the morning. She had become a pro. Her hair was fabulous, her clothes rocked, and her face was beautiful.

But the merchant was stingy. The maiden wanted to make more gold. She went found a job working for a big corporation. The big corporation did not require the maiden to wear fancy clothes, style her hair, or even wear make-up. Instead the corporation offered many extra hours to work for extra gold. The maiden reasoned that she could make the extra gold by working 'overtime' or she could spend the extra time getting pretty and make no gold. Since the maiden loved gold she went to work in jeans and a nice top. Her hair was still done nicely, but her make-up stayed in the bathroom drawer untouched.

One day the maiden fell ill. Maybe it was because she had exposed her brain to too much Aqua Net. No one can know for sure. The maiden once a perfectionist when it came to her dressing, doing her hair and make-up could now can barely get out of her nightgown. If she did manage it, she would put on mismatched clothes: blue socks, grey sweats, green top, and a pink sweater. It seemed like the maiden was now suffering from a rare case of 'Clown's Dressing Disease' or CDD for short.

Did I mention anywhere in this story that the maiden married a prince? Well she did. But she was still a maiden for some reason. Anyway, the prince kept buying her clothes in the hopes that the maiden would be cured of CDD, but he had no luck. He would come home to their cottage from fighting dragons to find his fair maiden in flannel nightgowns instead of the cute clothes that he has bought her. But to the prince's credit he always told the maiden that she looked beautiful anyway.

However, the maiden was so frustrated because she wanted to get all prettied up; not for her prince, but for herself. She wanted that part of her life back. But if anyone asked her why she could not manage it, well the truth was, she was just really too tired to make the effort.

It is uncertain what happened to the fair maiden. Some say they have seen her roaming the streets in her flannel nightgown with her puppy. Some say they have seen her dressed in a way that could only be described as a result of her CDD.

One thing this narrator knows for sure: The maiden has a butt load of clothes in her closet and should be able to find something cute to wear. 'Get out of your nightgown, Fair Maiden!' Sorry but tough love was the only way to go people.

I'd better go and get dressed...

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