It's 4 am, I Lost The Battle With My Eyelids.

I live in an apartment nowadays. They call it a luxury apartment due to the granite counter tops, hardwood floors, over sized rooms, central air conditioning, a chef's kitchen, and most importantly the master bath tub can seriously fit four people in it. I have yet to try, but I'm really good at figuring things out spatially. Nevertheless a 1400 sq foot apartment is still not a house.

We were downsized this year.

We are very lucky. My husband found work right away in his field as an accountant. I don't work due to the fact I am on disability, and so far the Canadian government has not downsized me. I don't know many jobs that would pay me to take my medication and get well. I work very hard at being stable.

Mental illness is a challenge on the best of days. Just the drugs alone can be enough to turn your brain into pudding, at the same time it can be those drugs that make pudding your 'Happy Place', it is a vicious cycle involving pudding.

Yeah so. I now live in this wonderful A+ apartment, but the one thing that bothers me is: I don't have enough money to rent out the whole building to myself. For instance I have neighbors who live below me, and they must actually believe I want, no, no, crave to hear their music at 4 o'clock in the morning. It's the crappy kind of music that nobody likes unless you are getting high to it. I just had an idea: I think they might be doing BC bud downstairs! That would explain the bad music and the total disregard for folks that have to sleep.  Thanks, downstairs neighbors I too can enjoy your pot-head-classic-music until daybreak!

I really want to go to sleep. I keep trying to close my eyes but they won't stay shut, which makes me think my eyelids would rather being doing something besides sleeping. You know, if you can't sleep, it's your eyelids fault. You require those guys to do their job. You can sleep standing up, so you don't need your back, you can even fall asleep driving, which means your brain can somewhat be in the 'middle of something' before you run off the road, but it is your eyelids that make the final decision to go to sleep. My eyelids want to stay busy.

Yes, maybe I am a little on the up side of things. To tell you the truth this is the worse part of being manic. Not being able to sleep. It is lonely, scary, my mind starts to make my tired body do things like bleach the walls from top-to-bottom, or buy things off of eBay.

My wallet is safe, my walls still have marks, and I am not lonely because I blogged into the unknown universe.

Here's to hoping that my eyelids will start to cooperate with the sleeping medication I took. 'Yeah, you thought you were so smart. I gotcha there Eyelids.. I am mandating you back to work.